Respect, Not Admiration the Key to Success for Female Executives

By Areva Martin, Esq.
Download PDF Version

As strange as it sounds, being liked and accepted by your peers and your subordinates can actually obstruct your ability to manage and lead in the workplace.

Women managers and executives who aspire to higher levels of management or those who are already in leadership roles know that being liked often precludes being respected.  And it is the latter – respect – that gives a leader the power to set priorities, galvanize employees and move people and processes forward.  In the absence of respect, a manager or supervisor is rendered impotent.

Unfortunately, women in the workplace are often looked at and treated as mothers, nurturers and caregivers.  Consequently, they become the dumping ground for almost every employee and his or her issues and concerns.  Some women find themselves spending countless hours counseling employees and helping them with both work and personal issues.  This can lead to enormous popularity.  You can see a steady stream of individuals flowing in and out of their offices; almost as if the executives are baking and giving away warm chocolate chip cookies.  In some workplaces, this admired executive might as well be called “Mrs. Butterworth,” she is considered so sweet.

Although those employees may feel completely comfortable sharing their personal issues and concerns with the executive, something strange happens in the process of these intimate discussions.  The executive believes that by being a good listener and providing a shoulder for the employees to lean on, she is being a good manager.  Wrong.

The saccharine qualities that help the executive win the office popularity pool will hold her back when she attempts to lead.  Those same employees who flocked into her office will be resistant to her attempts to manage them.  Too late, she learns that those qualities that made her a source of support for the many employees are not ones that motivate them to follow her directives.  This phenomenon completely undermines the executive’s effectiveness and sadly, it is her own fault.

The befriended employees view the helpful executive more as a confidante and peer and less as a leader.  And although these same individuals may develop a certain degree of admiration for the executive, it is not a professional admiration which translates into loyalty and commitment.  It is not the appreciation that results in peak performance from team members.

The Mrs. Butterworths of the office are often left wondering why the same group of employees who have spent hours conferring with her on any number of matters are not performing and in some cases, are actively undermining her work and efforts.

Women leaders need to be clear: being liked is not tantamount to being respected.

And employees respond differently to leaders they like as friends, versus those they respect.

Some executives are fortunate enough to earn both the respect and admiration of their subordinates; however, for those not so fortunate, being respected is the key to strong and authoritative leadership.

Another twist in the being respected versus being liked dilemma is the male executive.  Individuals in the workplace are constantly comparing female executives to males.  Although this gender-based thinking is outdated, it is a reality women have to address.

Men do not typically play the role as counselor and caregivers in the workplace.  They are very careful about setting appropriate boundaries and not allowing themselves to step out of their role as superior, boss, manager or leader.  They maintain a safe and appropriate distance from their subordinates, recognizing that if clear lines of demarcation are not established and maintained, it can be close to impossible to lead a team or direct a process with authority. To be successful, women have to do likewise.

This does not mean that women have to “act like” men or completely ignore that part of their personality that is naturally nurturing.  Nor does it mean that women executives can not be sensitive to the needs of their employees.  It does, however, mean that women must understand the need to set appropriate boundaries in the workplace if they desire to lead with influence and power.

When women fail to set boundaries with subordinates, they will find themselves perpetually relegated to the ranks of the stereotypical “soft and ineffective female” leader who is incapable of ascending to the highest ranks of senior management.  It is imperative that females who are in – or who aspire to – leadership roles avoid the Mrs. Butterworth trap.  To ensure that subordinates and peers interact with them in the context of their authority, they must perform the tasks of strong leaders, not those of caregivers and nurturers.

Becoming an expert in her field, developing new ideas, solving complex problems, motivating peers to perform at ultimate performance levels and gaining recognition by industry peers for raising the bar in terms of performance and profitability are the hallmark activities directly tied to being respected. Ironically, women will find that once they gain the respect of both men and women in the workplace, they will also gain their admiration.